Who am I?
I am an addict of many things, a mom to a three year old, a wife to my childhood crush, an employee for Welfare and a writer for myself. I write because I love to. Because the feelings and words have to go someplace other than stuck in my head.
The frustrations of trying to be a better wife, a better mother, a better me have to get out, and on paper is one of the best ways. I write to free myself and you, in part by reading, even anonymously, are part of my change. My life change. And if I inspire just one person, than it’s all worth it.
And if I don’t, at least I inspired me.
1. I’m an addict
literally I smoke about a pack a day and have been for the last 2.5 years. But that has to change. Every time I quit for a few days and then go right back to it. But I don’t want that. I smell it on my clothes or someone else after I have been done for a few and I’m like eww that’s gross. And I think of my son who has to also smell it through no request of his own. And I feel bad. I’ve had family die from smoking. So it needs to be done. That journey starts today.
I also drink, and not just one drink a night, I binge. While I do have days where there is nothing when I drink, I drink. It’s not good for my health or my family because I can be an angry drink, and it’s not pretty. I want to remember life for being happy, not miserable with a hangover or just in a daze. It’s time to be clear headed again.
2. I physically want to change
I am 5’2″ and weigh 170lbs. It’s not cute. I’m too far past to say this is still baby weight ght. I love working out but fitting it into my schedule is hard. No excuse. My birthday is just under two months away and I will be leaner then. This isn’t a journey of hating my body, this is a journey of making it better so I live longer (also see number 1). I want to see my grandkids and play with them. That’s the goal.
3. Mentally I’m tired
I’m tired of being tired, of being depressed and anxious. Of always thinking the worst and getting into funks that lead to very dark places, some where there is no existence on the other side. I’ve been there. I don’t want to be there again. Which means changing my choices to not be full of regret and guilt (see 1 & 2 because I feel guilty for smoking and regret for not being the best version of myself for my family).
4. I work hard and I want my finances to reflect that
I suck at budgeting and saving. I want that to change. I work more than I ever had and have more things than I ever thought I would but I also have more debt. I want to walk into the bike dealership next year and purchase a cruiser outright or get a fabulous rate. Sounds crazy but that means my other debt is paid off. That’s what I want.
With all that I have the ability to be a better me, a more stable half to my partnership, and create the vision for my family that I see in my mind when I dream. And I want to share that journey, not to sell you a product or a program but just to show you that anyone can make a change, can better themselves and that 30 isn’t so bad. It’s the beginning of a new chapter in life. Everyday brings the opportunity to change.
This is my story.