Addiction Sucks

So I finished the book.

It makes me look at all my life choices, the fact that I blacked out when trying to take care of a toddler, the fact that he sees me sleeping because I’m in a stupor, the fact that he’s learning life lessons from an alcoholic. The fact that I’m being a terrible mom.

But it’s not that I’m terrible all the time. Alcohol has played an important part in my life. It gave me courage to fight, words were said that I don’t know if I meant. Nights getting home when I don’t know how it happened.

Sarah Hepola taught me that alcohol didn’t make me better, it didn’t make me funnier, it didn’t make me stronger. It made me the topic of conversation.

Do you remember what you did last night?

Don’t you remember taking of your shirt like we were in private?

Do you remember how you got to bed?

Do you remember how you got home?

How did I end up naked? Where did my clothes go?

What happened?

As much as I wanted to piece together the stories I couldn’t. I have no recollection of those times and never will. And it’s scary.

There will ALWAYS be another excuse as why today wasn’t a good day to quit smoking, today wasn’t a good day to quit drinking. Just one more.

But one more doesn’t have an end. So I need to just put on my big girl panties and suck it up.

Will quitting my vices be hard? YES

Will I struggle on a regular basis? YES

Will I eventually love my life and myself once again? HELL YEAH!

But this journey is not going to be easy. It’s going to suck. But financially, emotionally, and physically my life and that of my husband and my son will benefit from me being sober.

I always say, tomorrow I will be a Christian and not smoke or drink. But tomorrow is always the next day. But you know what. You just have to do it because there will always be an excuse, always be a reason to fail.

And failing is NOT an option.

I will succeed. I will overcome the addition I have to things that are ruining my life and killing me at the same time.

I WILL PREVAIL.

Hi I’m Daniella…and I’m an Alcoholic

Well you might be thinking oh this is just some young person he want to stop binge drinking no.

No it’s not.

I am 31 years old and I do believe myself to be an alcoholic.

I have been drinking for the last 10 years with more blackouts than I can count. I hope you’ll watch the video and see my story. My story of the first day, the first moment, when I am going to pour out the bottle of White Merlot in my fridge, to clean the deck of cigarette butts and sweep it, to detox my body.

I’m ready for a change. A change that has been a long time coming. A change that I have commented here on before but one that must be done. There is no better time.

I can always find excuses, some reason that I just can’t quit today. But when do this excuses end?

When is it enough?

Well today is enough and I want you to witness the journey with me. I hope you have some words of advice for me and I hope that my journey will help at least one person start theirs.

So check out my link to my first story below!

I’m an alcoholic

Building a Better Life and Being a Better Example

I need you to do me a favor.

Take a moment. Look around you to see and consider what you’re doing.

Is it helping you is it hurting you is it something that you would be proud of? Is it something that you would want to see your children do? Is it something that you would want to see a friend do? Is it something that you respect if you were looking from the outside in?

I look at my life right now and I’m trying to take stock in what I’m doing. I’m reading self-help books, I’m trying to better myself, I’m just trying to be good. But until I really look at everything that is going on and take a step back to actually see, then I can’t be honest about the good and the bad.

I have a son. And I would do anything for him. Same goes for my husband. And I have two dogs. Here are the things that I see as a hinderance to how I connect with them and how I am fostering a terrible relationship.

• I spend more time outside smoking than I do sitting on the floor with my child.
• I’ve not mastered the sobriety and I fall asleep more times than I care to admit while my son plays on his tablet or watches tv.
• I only walk my dogs three times a day, and feed them once when we eat and use the bathroom way more than that. And their walks are short.
• I don’t spend enough time being with my spouse because I’m too busy with practically killing myself.

When does it end? When do you change? Does it have to be when things go so wrong that they don’t come back? Does it have to be when you hit rock bottom?

As a parent I have a responsibility to raise that child to be a good member of society. Raise him to be a good man. Raise him to be someone who I would be proud to see walking the streets. As a dog mom I have a responsibility to these animals I cannot fend for themselves because we domesticated them to take care of them as if they were children. As if they were humans. They are family. As a wife I have a responsibility to keep my husband happy. To make him feel as though he is loved every moment of every day regardless of the situation. I have a responsibility to myself to make sure that I’m healthy, To make sure that I am able to be here for as long as possible to take care of the responsibilities that I have, that I make myself happy.

We have every right to be selfish at times. But we can’t be selfish all the time. You have to actually take into consideration what we are doing and what we have chosen to do I make that right. We have to be better. I have to be better.

You may read this and think what is this girl just talk negatively why does she always degrade herself but I’m not. I’m not degrading myself and looking at it as a whole, look at my life as a whole and realizing that there is so much more to life than what I’m doing. I think that goes for everyone. Everyone sits there and looks at themselves as if I could be doing better, but why aren’t we? Why are we doing the things that are necessary and taking time for things that aren’t?

It’s time that I set example for my child for who I want him to be. It’s time I set an example for what life is meant to be. It’s time I set an example for myself and be better at everything. Of course there will be bumps in the road but those bumps build character. And I’m choosing to use that to build a better life.

I’m ready to start living, not just for the moment but for the future. I want to see what I can accomplish and I’m not accomplishing anything positive by spending money on frivolous things. So what do you do to make your life better? What do you do to raise your children in the image that you want them to be seen? What do you do to build a better life?

Stop Feeding the Addictions

So I’ve been addicted to many things. The worst, alcohol. I have been drinking since I was 21.

Most of the time it was just social and enjoyable and you know I had fun. But that fun has seriously come to an end.

For the last couple years I’ve been using alcohol and cigarettes to dull my emotions, to not feel, to not be true.

And it sucks.

So I making a promise to myself that December first is the start of sober December and my sober life. Alcohol brought me more problems than it has happiness that’s for sure. So I’m going to try something new; and that means no drinking, no smoking, no bad habits. And I truly can’t wait to see what the future holds for me when I actually feel.

What I’m also going to do is take a before picture tonight with no makeup on and then an after picture in 30 days to see what being clean without any of the negative affects of alcohol and smoking and see what it’s done to my skin, to my smile, the whites of my eyes. I think it’s going to be beneficial in more ways than one.

Have any of you been through this and what are your tips and tricks because it’s cold turkey?

I Remember

I held you last night in a hug, your 3 year old body weighing more than I remember. Your legs hanging lower and longer than I thought. Your arms wrapping further around my neck. You’re so independent now and coping that little attitude that I know by heart. 

But I remember so much more. 

I remember when I first peed on a stick, at work, and found out I was pregnant. 

I remember the excitement and nervousness that came alone with it. I heard your first heartbeat and my heart grew a little bit larger. 

I remember when I was sick and they were worried that you were going to have to come out sooner rather than later. But I persevered, drank my water, and you were resting comfortably in your sac. 

I remember when you weren’t active enough and I had to spend a day in the hospital because we had to make sure you were okay. You were fine. 

I remember dad telling me not to tell him I was in labor before we went to bed before your due date.  You decided midnight was your time to let me know you were ready. Right on schedule. 

I remember that final push and I held you in my arms. It was magical. 

I remember all the nursing and tears and nerves and frustration.  And happiness.  And being scared when I left you on the bed and you fell off because I didn’t realize you were mobile. I remember being happy that you were okay, and relieved. 

What I think of now is that I remember the early morning yoga we used to do, and workouts that you were so excited to join me in. 

But it’s changed. Not because you changed but I did. I took up more time away from just you, I sit on deck and inhale deadly toxins. I drink.

But I’m not a bad mother.  Im just a human who is making a mistake. 

I realize you are now old enough to start understanding what I am doing. When you ask me for more time I am being selfish with my own unhealthy habits. 

You ever haves moment to reflect on the things you are doing. The life you are creating and wondering what you can change to make it better? 

I’m realizing now (and for a while) that I have a lot to work on. Many changes are in the future and I promise to be a better mother to my beautiful son. Because he is my life, and he relies on me. So I need to show him how to be healthy and proud of himself. 

I need to me the real me for him. 

Life gives us the opportunity to start fresh every 24 hours.  A new time to shine or change the plan. Take the opportunity and live as if that was the last one you were going to get. Because o know for me I want to be around for a long time, and I want my son to remember me and say he knew how much I loved him and I taught him how to be the best version of himself. 

I’m Daniella, and I have a story to tell

Who am I?

I am an addict of many things, a mom to a three year old, a wife to my childhood crush, an employee for Welfare and a writer for myself. I write because I love to. Because the feelings and words have to go someplace other than stuck in my head.

The frustrations of trying to be a better wife, a better mother, a better me have to get out, and on paper is one of the best ways. I write to free myself and you, in part by reading, even anonymously, are part of my change. My life change. And if I inspire just one person, than it’s all worth it.

And if I don’t, at least I inspired me.

1. I’m an addict

literally I smoke about a pack a day and have been for the last 2.5 years. But that has to change. Every time I quit for a few days and then go right back to it. But I don’t want that. I smell it on my clothes or someone else after I have been done for a few and I’m like eww that’s gross. And I think of my son who has to also smell it through no request of his own. And I feel bad. I’ve had family die from smoking. So it needs to be done. That journey starts today.

I also drink, and not just one drink a night, I binge. While I do have days where there is nothing when I drink, I drink.  It’s not good for my health or my family because I can be an angry drink, and it’s not pretty.  I want to remember life for being happy, not miserable with a hangover or just in a daze. It’s time to be clear headed again.

2. I physically want to change

I am 5’2″ and weigh 170lbs. It’s not cute. I’m too far past to say this is still baby weight ght. I love working out but fitting it into my schedule is hard. No excuse. My birthday is just under two months away and I will be leaner then. This isn’t a journey of hating my body, this is a journey of making it better so I live longer (also see number 1). I want to see my grandkids and play with them. That’s the goal.

3. Mentally I’m tired

I’m tired of being tired, of being depressed and anxious. Of always thinking the worst and getting into funks that lead to very dark places, some where there is no existence on the other side. I’ve been there. I don’t want to be there again. Which means changing my choices to not be full of regret and guilt (see 1 & 2 because I feel guilty for smoking and regret for not being the best version of myself for my family).

4. I work hard and I want my finances to reflect that

I suck at budgeting and saving. I want that to change. I work more than I ever had and have more things than I ever thought I would but I also have more debt. I want to walk into the bike dealership next year and purchase a cruiser outright or get a fabulous rate. Sounds crazy but that means my other debt is paid off. That’s what I want.

With all that I have the ability to be a better me, a more stable half to my partnership, and create the vision for my family that I see in my mind when I dream. And I want to share that journey, not to sell you a product or a program but just to show you that anyone can make a change, can better themselves and that 30 isn’t so bad. It’s the beginning of a new chapter in life. Everyday brings the opportunity to change.

This is my story.